Blog Them Out of the Stone Age

Here’s a list sent to a friend of mine by a member of an Ohio National Guard unit now deployed in Iraq.

1. You run in terror from a controlled detonation your first week, then stand in the open to watch real mortars landing, a month later.

2. The most intimate contact you’ve had in months is with the shower curtain.

3. Your most successful pick-up line is “I’ve got a vehicle”.

4. All the Air Force people look like glow-in-the-dark Power Rangers and you can’t see the Army Folks.

5. Your 6:00 am wake-up call is “BOOM” Alarm Red, Alarm Red, Alarm Red”.

6. They actually give weapons to the Air Force personnel.

7. You give directions using T-Wall & Bunker murals.

8. You realize AAFES is their own country, and can print their own money.

9. The amount of sand in your boots is only surpassed by the amount in your nose.

10. Something as simple as taking a shower or going to the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning requires preparation equal to the Apollo moon landing.

11. The Texas Style Brisket is not from Texas, is not brisket, and has no style.

12. You are watching a “chick-flick” with 300 guys with machine guns.

13. Your internet connection is twice as slow as your old dial-up connection back home, and you’re paying twice as much.

14. Your lying under your bed in your IBA writing to your spouse, “No, nothing exciting happened today” and you mean it.

15. You can buy a car or truck from the on post AAFES, but paper towels are nowhere to be found.

16. You live in a gated community, but your home is still a trailer.

17. You are caught way over the speed limit and you are only going 22 MPH.

18. During Alarm Red someone jumps out of the bunker to tell you to get your hands out of your pockets.

19. Your idea of a night on the town is going to another DFAC.

20. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but you still wouldn’t want to be on that side of the fence.

21. Dusting the furniture has a whole new meaning.

22. “Pimp my Ride” means putting doors on your Hummer.

23. U2 is hitting the charts again.

24. The local community holds fireworks displays every night in your honor.

25. Driving over the curb seems totally natural.

26. The outcome of the war hinges on how you wear your reflective belt.

27. You see a guy in full battle rattle driving a Humvee trying not to spill his latte’.

28. It feels normal to dry your hands at the DFAC with toilet paper.

29. Your idea of a clear day is when you can see the perimeter of the base from where you’re at.

30. The dust on the dashboard of your vehicle is an inch think, but you don’t even notice it.

31. You don’t even notice T-walls anymore.

32. Cold water from the shower is only possible after 1 Oct.

33. Getting your laundry back from the contractor is a big deal.

34. A 105-degree day in the summer actually feels cool.

35. You don’t even notice an F-16 taking off anymore.

36. You don’t stop what you’re doing anymore, when you hear automatic gun fire coming from the perimeter.

37. You used to think that F-16’s, doing afterburner take-offs, were cool. Now it just pisses you off.

38. Without even looking outside, you know that the weather sucks, because you weren’t woke up all night from the roar of the F-16’s.

Legend:

Controlled detonation = Our guys blow up captured ammunition & explosives

AAFES = PX (store) (gives cardboard chip money, instead of coins for change)

IBA = Individual Body Armor

T-Walls= Cement barriers around buildings

DFAC = Dining Facility (Mess Hall) (the DFAC paper towels is toilet paper thin)

Full battle rattle= Wearing your body armor, helmet, etc.