Operation Desert Storm began nineteen years ago today (U.S. time–it was already December January 17 in Iraq when the first air strike hit Baghdad). Thanks to mobile satellite communications, 24-hour cable news, and embedded journalists — as well as a canny public relations campaign by the armed forces — it was the first American war to be broadcast in real time, which gave a somewhat misleading but nonetheless riveting look at the unfolding conflict. For days on end I was practically glued to the TV, as were millions of other Americans (and presumably viewers elsewhere in the world, particularly in the Coalition member countries).
A Wayne’s World sketch aired on Saturday Night Live on January 19, 1991, three days after the start of air campaign, captured the non-stop coverage and our reaction to it. Here’s the script:
Wayne’s World
Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: Saturday Night Live will be seen immediately following this Excellent Report.
Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Special Report! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World: Special Report”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell! With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! For the last 72 hours, all we’ve been doing is coverage of the War in the Gulf. Non-stop.
Garth: We haven’t been out of the basement in three days!
Wayne: We’ve got three sets down here, man! It’s a media circus! One set is on CNN, one set is on NBC, and one set is on ABC. We didn’t even bother with CBS, because, I’m sorry, their coverage sucks! Dan Rather – not! Okay, we’ve been surviving on a diet of Pizza Hut Pizza and Jolt Cola, so.. we’re a little fried.
Garth: Yeah, man! Whoa-oa-oa-oa!!
Wayne: But we’re riding a humungoid caffeine and sugar buzz. I mean, I could bend spoons with my mind!
Garth: I’m so tired, that for a while there I was starting to hallucinate, man! ‘Cause at 4 in the morning, Garrett Utley started to look like an alien! I just wanted to grab his big head and go, “Bleeeaaaggggghhhh!!!”
Wayne: Okay! Our job tonight is more to inform than to entertain, because, after 72 hours of non-stop three-set intense watching – I mean, we got so sucked into the coverage, we didn’t even bother to go upstairs. I mean, we just whizzed in the laundry room sink, you know? So, I don’t mean to sound conceited, but we are now experts in the field of military hardware and media coverage. Alright, Garth, quiz me.
Garth: Alright, what is the range and speed of the Patriot missile?
Wayne: All right. The MIM-104 Patriot, with a range of 37 miles at a speed of Mach-3, primarily used against aircraft, but battle-tested for the first time against the Scud.
Garth: He shoots, he scores! Excellent!
Wayne: Now, it’s time for the Best/Worst list of media coverage.
Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Best/Worst! Best/Worst! Party Time! Excellent!”
Garth: Okay! Best name of a correspondent!
Wayne: Brit Hume, ABC. Geez, I wish that was my name! It sounds like James Bond, you know? [ imitates ] “Hume. Brit Hume.” Congratulations! Good work, my friend! Okay, Worst Name. CNN Pentagon Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer? Shyeah, right!
Garth: It’s so obvious the guy made it up for the war!
Wayne: Yeah! I know, it’s like, “Hi, we now take you to our War Correspondent, Howitzer Explosion Guy.” Okay! Best Military Hardware Name. Scud.
Garth: Scud! Scud! A Soviet-made short-range ballistic missile with a speed of Mach-1, and a range of 300 miles!
Wayne: Good work, my friend!
Garth: Excellent!
Wayne: You know, the first time I heard the word “Scud”, I thought it was like, you know when you see a really pretty chick walking down the street, about 30 feet away, and you say, “Hello! Babe alert!” Right? But when you get closer, you go, “Oh, my God! She’s a scud!” It’s just like the missile, right? You’ve got medium-range chick scuds, and long-range chick scuds… it’s brutal!
Garth: Alright, Worst Map. “Nightline”, ABC. What were they thinking!
Wayne: I know, it’s like a sandbox! I built a volcano in the third grade that looked better! Okay! Best Video. The Pentagon Smart Bomb tape. You know, the one that’s so accurate it goes through the door? You know, the bomb that goes, “Knock-knock!”
Garth: Who’s there?
Wayne: Ka!
Garth: Ka who?
Wayne: Ka-boom!
Garth: Excellent!
Wayne: Okay, Worst Going To Commercial War Theme.
Garth: CNN, man. It was just a bunch of drums.
Wayne: Hey! Spend some money – it’s a war! Alright, Best Haircut. Ted Koppel. It looks natural…
Wayne & Garth: Not!
Garth: Sidebar! Sidebar! Watch the wind, Ted! Whoa-oa-oa! Alright! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Alright, Most Interesting Opening Line On A Network Program.
Wayne: Okay, easy. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Whoa-oa!
[Source: SNL Transcripts]